As today was another uneventful day I thought I would finish off the post I started whilst waiting at Heathrow Airport for 10 hours.
A few of the things I learned about myself during my travels are:-
I don't have patience with idiots
When I'm tired I have even less patience with rude or annoying people
People who can't follow simple instructions annoy me
I'm not as tolerant and zen. as I would like to think I am (especially when tired and or hungry)
I am sure I'm not the only one who gets annoyed by little things, so I thought I'd put together a dummies guide to traveling. So if you are going on holiday by plane any time soon here are a few hints and tips to make your journey more pleasant and also help your fellow passengers not want to throttle you!
At the Airport
If you see a sign saying ALL DEPARTURES, that's you, Doris! If you are going on holiday ie departing then you need to follow this sign. There is no need to stop someone to ask if you need to go that way for Fuengirola, cos that still comes under ALL Departures.
Passport Control
While you are in the queue passport control, instead of huffing and puffing and looking at your watch every 2 minutes, NOW would be a good time to start looking through your Mary Poppins bag for your passports. Don't wait until you get to the desk and start tipping everything out on the counter and having a domestic with your husband "You said YOU had them Barry I distinctly remember giving them to you in the....it's alright I've found them, No thanks to YOU!"
When you get to the point where you need to show your passport be that to a machine or a person, guess what? You need to look like the person in the picture. So they need to see your face to check it's you! So unless you had your passport photo taken with a covid facemask, baseball cap, Mexican sombrero, or Dolly Parton wig on, you are probably gonna be asked to remove it. Save everyone a bit of time and take it off before you are asked and have to ask them to repeat themselves because you "can't hear a thing with this over your nose and mouth".
Boarding the Plane
Okay so I don't know about you but I was taught how to count from a pretty young age. So why is it that when people are getting on a plane they suddenly have trouble counting? Row 21 comes after row 20, next row 22 and so on. In fact, you don't actually need to count the rows, they have numbers on them, you just need to know that they go up in order from 1 to however many rows the aircraft has. So why is it that Chuck from Cleveland ends up sitting in 33F when he should be in 32A? It's not hard Chuck, find the row number that matches your boarding pass, then the seats go from across A, B, C, D and so on. Oh and guess what there is even a little picture of a window so you know which seat is next to the window. So why are you sat in my window seat? And no I'm not happy to take the middle seat or I woulda booked a middle seat, besides which you aren't even on my row so it ain't your seat to give away!!!
Next, when you find your seat, just throw your carry-on in the overhead locker above your seat and park it! Now is not the time to stand in the aisle looking through your bag for your fluffy sleeping pillow. We ain't taken off yet so you sure as hell won't need it right now, blocking the aisle for everyone else trying to get on!
During the Flight
If you have a small child please don't let them kick the seat in front. The first few times it's not so bad but after about 5 or 6 kicks it starts to feel like Chinese water torture and even those with the most patience will have it tested. Your child doesn't know that this is not acceptable if you don't tell them and more importantly MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. By that I mean (and I'm no childcare expert), If you say "don't kick the seat precious" and they continue to do it you then say "what have I told you about kicking the seat" they still carry on and you say "I won't tell you again not to kick that seat" well that's 3 times to my knowledge and they don't seem to be taking any notice. So either your child has developed a hearing problem due to the cabin pressure, or your parenting style is not working. So if you don't manage to stop them kicking my seat I will, well I will probably not do anything except sit and tut and maybe turn around a glare at your child.
Getting off the plane
Unless you are planning on serving drinks or giving the baggage handlers a life getting the cases out of the hold, there is no reason for you to leap out of your seat the minute the plane hits the tarmac. There is a reason the captain leaves the seatbelt sign on when we land, that's because you need to leave your seatbelt ON.
There's no need to leap out of yer seat Kevin, and start getting yer bags out of the overhead locker, while we are still hurtling towards the arrivals gate at speed. Should the captain suddenly slam on his breaks, you and your half a can of Carsberg will go arse over tit down the aisle together with your knockoff Louis Viton cross-body bag that you got from the market in Turkey. So keep seated and wait like the rest of us for the seatbelt sign to be switched off.
Passport Control
The same applies as on the way out, just get everything ready before you get to the desk. It doesn't matter 'if you don't speak the lingo' passport control is exactly the same in other countries, you need to show your passport. They don't need to know all about the flight and how you 'didn't get the vegetarian meal you ordered' and that 'you'll just be glad to get your shoes off and get by that pool' and 'I thought I gave you the passports after the last time, so we didn't lose them...it's okay I've got them, they were under your cardigan, I told you not to stuff that thing in my bag'. They are really not interested, so keep chit-chat to a minimum and just show your passport and make your way through to collect your cases. If everyone in the queue has full-blown conversations when they get to the desk, things are going to take a lot longer for everyone to get through.
Baggage Reclaim
This is the easy bit, just look for your bag as it goes around the carousel and then lift it off when it gets to you. If you see your bag and it's already gone past, 'That's mine there Shirley quick grab it, no not that one, the one with the pink ribbon tied round the handle, yes that's..... oh no sorry it's not that one, someone else must have had the same idea". Rather than running in the direction of the belt and having to try and keep up with your bag that is rapidly continuing around the belt away from you. Try walking in the opposite direction and it will be on its way to you instead, much easier. Better still just stay where you are and it will make it's way back around to you. It just means you don't have to run a half marathon to get to your bag.
When lifting your bag off, just grab the handle and lift it off the belt, watching for people behind you .... 'oh sorry was that your knee'...as you swing it around to put it onto the floor.
Once you have your cases, make your way outside where your transport awaits, AND GO HAVE A GREAT HOLIDAY!
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