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Writer's pictureNeil Greenwood

Reason I need contact lenses number 803

Spent the morning being productive and writing out my Christmas Cards so I can get them posted and then that's another job ticked off the list. I was going to put all the Christmas Decs boxes back up in the loft but trying to negotiate ladders and bulky boxes whilst keeping my balance started to look like a carry-on film, so I gave it a miss. I'll wait until I have someone here to help me I think.

I still had some bits of decs to put up so got on with that. I have these really nice green leaf garland things that I put on my two wall heads that are coated in this

really fine glitter. After putting them up I looked in the mirror and I looked like I just finished a drag show! I had glitter all over my face, and in my hair and it wouldn't brush off cos it was really fine and stuck to everything.


Not to worry I thought I'll have a nice soak in the bath, that will get it off. Well, that turned out to be an absolute disaster. I had no bubble bath left so I thought not to worry I'll just throw in some shampoo that will do the same job. Finished the bottle I had but wasn't worried as I always have a spare....No spare! Looking through the drawers for something that I could wash my hair with, nothing! Anyway, I found some Nivea luxury body cream wash thing which I thought was a shower gel thing. Threw a load of that in the bath too so it would have more bubbles as the shampoo wasn't overly bubbly. Didn't froth up much but got in anyway. As I stepped in my foot flid and I nearly ended up doing the splits in the bath. Jesus that shower gels slippy I thought, it must be very luxurious. Got fully in the bath and started splashing about trying to make more bubbles. No joy. Ducked under the water to get all this glitter off and when I came up I noticed I was covered in what looked like blobs of double cream. What the.... and it wouldn't dissolve or rub in on my skin. Picked up the shower gel bottle to double-check...it was bogy LOTION. I mean don't get me wrong it was lovely and silky on the skin but I literally had to rub it in everywhere to get it to soak in a bit. Now I had glitter in my hair AND body lotion.

Got out of the bath and thought I'll just shampoo it out with the spare....oh yeah no spare shampoo. It's okay I spotted the festive hand wash I still have from last Christmas I'll use that. Squired a load in my hand and washed my hair over the bath. What the.... this isn't foaming up now, reached over water in my eyes and checked the bottle. I'd used the bloody hand lotion! Not the hand soap. I then had to wash it another two times to get the glitter, body lotion and hand lotion out.


Now in my defence they are normall the other way around in the holder and the soap is usually on the left, but the cleaners must have took them out to clean and put them back the other way round.

I just reached for the one on the left thinking it was the hand soap on the left where it usually is. So if I was to meet Mr right on my night out I would probably slip right through his fingers I'm that moisturised and slippy lol.


Anyway before getting ready for my night out in Uppermill I thought it only fair to issue a public warning on Facebook :-)


*** General Public Warning ****


** UPDATE **

Just walked past the mirror getting ready. Whichever Neil you see out tonight please remind him to BREATHE IN ! I am Out Out Tonight in Uppermill if anyone is out?. Please DON'T encourage Tipsy Neil to have shots cos he has no will power and usually says YES and that's when drunk Neil ends up making an appearance and it's downhill from there.

Also if you see drunk Neil and he's being a balloon thinking he's hilarious, slut dropping and doing shots. Tell him Sober Neil said GO HOME!

And finally, if you then see Sober Neil later in the week, please don't tell him what drunk Neil was doing expecting him to remember and apologise for the behaviour cos HE WASN'T THERE. Tipsy Neil might remember the early part of the night but neither sober Neil or Tipsy Neil will remember the end of the night cos we go home once Drunk Neil is driving the bus.


You have been warned.


Thanks in advance.


We had booked a pod at a tapas place in Uppermill so we could have a lite bite before drinking to much. Once I got ready I text Debbie to let her know I'd ordered a taxi...

I seriously need to read my text before pressing send. I blame predictive text!


Anyway I get my Taco to Debbie's and we had a quick wine and lemonade then headed to the restaurant. We were early so got a drink at the bar and took it to our pod. It was a lot bigger than I expected so I let Jenna know to bring Becky and Steph as we could all fit in it.


When we sat down there was a load of salad on the floor that hadn't been cleaned up from the last people so I went in and asked one of the bar staff if someone could clean it up. 20 minutes later still no sign of anyone so I went back in by which time the girls had already arrived. "who did you ask was it the small one?" 'Yes' I replied, "Well you might as well talk to a brick wall, I'll get someone to sort it". When I asked how we order food I was told that the kitchen closed at 8pm. What? Why take a booking for 8pm then? They said they could ask them to stay on if we knew what we wanted to order. We hadn't even looked at the menu's and there was no way I wanted scraps cos they had packed up for the night so I said to forget it we would have our drinks and go. The service was shite and then to have no food, I won't be going there again thats' for sure.


Me and Debbie went to the Wagon instead cos we were both starving and met Lynn and Kelvin while the girls finished their drinks. Even though they were just about to finish serving the waitress very kindly said she would sort it if we just wanted small dishes and not a main course. We had a couple of dishes and have to say the food was lovely. She even asked 2 guys to swap tables so we could all fit around one table.


We spent the rest of the night in Albion tap and I bumped into Donna who is coming to Crete next year. She is so funny she just makes me laugh all the time lol.


Oh and when I woke up it was clear that Drunk Neil was still hungry later on....



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