Louise Fallows
Louise was one of the big influences in my life, because we both went through our self-discovery together, and I probably wouldn't have had the guts to confront some of those things without her by my side.
Even though Elaine Fallows, is my age and was in my year at school, I also gravitated towards her sister Louise. Louise was all the things I wanted to be. She was confident, she would speak her mind and she usually got what she wanted. She was also very daring when it came to styles and fashion as she really didn't care what people thought. I remember I had spiky hair at the same time she did because I thought she looked so cool. Louise liked to push boundaries though so she had blue streaks in her hair and nearly got expelled from school. I wasn't that brave and my mum and dad would've gone mad if I'd tried to. I think Louise's parents just gave in to the fact that she was going to do what she wanted to do, so I didn't see the point in fighting it.
From early on in our friendship, I knew we had something in common, but I didn't know, what exactly. We would spend many nights in Louise's bedroom. She had the box room at her family home and Elaine had the bigger bedroom with two single beds for sleepovers. When I went over we would always hang out in Louises Room and would listen to Prince, Madonna and Erasure (to name. ut a few). I think we had dreams of being pop stars at one point. I'm sure there are photos somewhere where we did our own photo shoot and I wore all the new outfits my mum had bought me to go to Spain. Louise was coming on holdiay with us so also had a load of new clothes for 'The Shoot'. Mine included reversible trousers that were different colours inside and out so you could have different coloured 'turn-ups' (they were a thing then). We had photos taken in Elaine's bedroom against a backdrop of music posters. We put equipment around like a ghetto, blaster and keyboard as if we were in the recording studio lol (Or so we thought it would look). When we actually got the photos developed (this was long before digital photos) they just looked rubbish like we were in Elaine's bedroom lol.
The holiday pic is a great pic of my mum and Louise so I had to use it. It's not a great one of me, I have a fat face and 3 chins but I was going through my fat phase (still am lol). I wouldn't mind for years I remember always being 7stone and skinny and unable to put weight on. I even went on a diet of mashed potatoes and complan to try and gain weight. Oh to have that problem now lol.
I vividly remember one night when we had a sleepover and stayed in Elaine's bedroom. Elaine stayed in Louise's room so we could have a single bed each. We always used to have conversations when the lights were off because we could talk about stuff that would normally be embarrassing but if you couldn't see the person's face it made it easier to be open. I was lying there one night and I just made myself say the words and ask Louise "have you ever been attracted to someone of the same sex?" Louise replied, "why have you?" I said "I asked you first". Then after a long pause, she replied "yes" to which I responded, "So have I". "Do you think you might be Bi-sexual?" I asked. I couldn't utter the word Gay at that time, as I didn't fully understand what it meant. Also, I didn't want to put that label on myself, and saying you might be Bi felt like a step in the right direction and almost a bit more acceptable than going the whole hog and saying you were gay. But I knew as far back as I could remember that I had been attracted to boys at school more than girls. I had also had quite a lot of grief at junior school from other boys calling me gay because I had mainly female friends and hated sports (not at all stereotypically gay lol). In fact, I think one of the girls in my class (who later went on to be one of my besties) -Jill Graham, made up the nickname Nelly Gaywood. Great! This was to be the first of many conversations we would have in the dark exploring our sexuality, and we agreed to go in hunt for resources available to gay people.
We looked through the phone book and found a place called the gay centre in Manchester and it was listed as a resource for gay and lesbian teens under 18. We both went to the phone box together one night and rang the helpline to ask for information about where it was, and who could go etc. We were told it was open to gay, lesbian and bisexual teens under 18 and was kind of a safe space type thing. So we decided to go and give it a try one Saturday afternoon.
We eventually found the gay centre in Manchester in the heart of what we would later know, as the gay village. There was a discreet sign on one of the two wooden double doors at street level and you had to press a buzzer then somebody would come to the door. (The pic is not the exact doors as this is a modern pic so they weren't this fancy lol). You basically went downstairs into a basement-type youth club for LGB teens. I think back in those days there were only three categories gay, lesbian and bi, not the plethora of labels that seem to be about these days. It seems so weird that when we were younger we didn't want to be labelled yet now everyone seems to want to have a label and create new ones for themselves. Why can't we just be called Neil or Louise? Why do we have to be defined by our sexuality? Your sexuality shouldn't define your whole being as it is only a small part of your personality and who you are, so we are we so determined to put a label on it. People don't feel the need to label themselves as a Vegan, No smoking, crocheting straight woman, so why does this part of your life need such prominence? We don't feel the need to sub-categorise straight people into, "straight who like a feather duster around their bits" etc, cos quite frankly what other people do in the bedroom is non of my business and I'd really rather not know. It still baffles me.
Sorry I digress.
We got the bus into Manchester and found the doors to the gay centre. They were opposite the New York New York pub. We both walked up to the door and Louise pressed the doorbell and as soon as the bell rang, I felt sick in my stomach with nerves. I turned and bolted and looked around thinking Louise would be behind me. But instead, she just stayed there in front of the doors, as always the brave one of us both. She went inside and I waited outside sat on the curb. There were no mobile phones in those days so I couldn't ring to see what was going on. I just had to wait in anticipation for her to reappear out of these doors. There were no windows so you couldn't see the side. It was just two wooden doors one of which opened to allow you inside. Eventually, after about 10 minutes (but seemed like forever) she came out and beckoned me to come in. Even though I was nervous, I thought if she had been in and thought it was okay then I would take the plunge too, so I went inside.
You went down some steps and then to the left was a kind of reception area where someone would meet and greet you and ask your name etc and kind of make an informal introduction to a few of the other members.
We must've looked so young at the time we can't of been older than 13 or 14, and everyone else appeared slightly older and all seemed to know each other. There were people playing pool and everyone seemed really confident and came chatting to us. You could have a cup of tea or coffee or soft drink and as the two newbies people gravitated towards us. The one person I remember the most was a mixed-race guy (Probably referred to as half-cast in those days) called Charlie. He had long dreadlocks and was very loud and flamboyant and extrovert, and was the centre of attention in the gate centre. He reminded me of Terrance Trent Darby and he took a bit of a shine to me. I think he ended up being my first kiss. We continued to go there when we had a chance on a Saturday and we both went to his flat once and it was not like I expected. He had a really big dog and we walked in, there were about three piles of dog turd on the floor, and the flat had bare floorboards and was really messy with piles of clothes everywhere. The bahroom was minging and the toilet was all stained and I couldn't wait to get out of there. That really put me off and I couldn't feel the same way about him after that (even back then I had my standards of cleanliness lol). When we saw him at the centre he looked all put together and trendy, but it was I was like looking behind the curtain of the Wizard of Oz and seeing all the mess the way he lived shattered the illusion.
Eventually, we discovered a pub called paddy's goose on the same street as the gay centre and decided we would go out for a drink one night. We must've been 14 at the time. Obviously looked very very young. The pub was full of a lot older clientele, and looking back we must've had a sign over our heads saying "Fresh Meat". Louise was a couple of years older than me so she went to the bar and got served a pint of cider. We had already had our first venture into alcohol at one of Jill Graham's many house parties (that's another blog to come). It was just nice to be in a pub and around other gay people and feel we could be our true selves. It was probably the first time I had even seen same-sex couples kiss as this wasn't something you saw on TV in those days and wasn't really talked about. For years growing up I felt that there was something wrong with me and I was the only one who had these feelings. There was also a stigma attached to being gay like it WAS wrong and you had to fit in and be straight in order to be 'normal' (whatever that even means).
During our school years we would have many nights out into the village and at about age 15/16 would always try to get into a club called No.1 as it was the trendy club everyone used to go to. The bouncer - guy called Patrick with a big "clone moustache" would never let me in because I looked so young and probably knew I would get eaten alive. So we usually ended up in New York, New York on Bloom Street, which was a cool bar and had an upstairs called "The Bronx" that was open until late. I remember after months of persistence I eventually got into No.1 club one night and ended up bumping into a neighbour from near where my aunty Linda lived and was mortified that he might say something to her. I think he was just as worried that I would 'out' him to be honest.
We had to get the late bus back when we went out and I would always stay at Louise's so my parents didn't know I had gone out and been drinking etc. Louise's mum was never comfortable with lying and said if my parents asked if I was there while we were out, she wasn't going to lie. The thing is you only had a landline in those days and mum and dad rarely rang to check on me and there was no way they would walk round to her house to speak to me if I said I was sleeping over.
We would have many a night out in Manchester and see and are of Manchester grow from 2 or 3 pubs to a whole street of trendy bars and clubs. Canal Street wasn't even a gay area I don't think back then it was just a few bars around bloom street. It's great to see what started out as a very underground and unspoken-about part of Manchester, become a thriving community where people flock to. I definitely think the "Queer as folk" TV show gave the village a platform to be seen by the masses. Now straight people will gladly say they are going to the gay village for a night out and not think anything of it.
Even after we left school and drifted apart if we ever met up it was like it was yesterday when we last spoke. The friends you make at school you tend to share a close bond with (well in those days anyway, I can't speak for now). So you never really lose touch, just time.
The below pic is a recent one of Louise. If you are reading this Louise, we are overdue a catch-up. :-)
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